Wednesday, October 16, 2002 / 01:29 a.m.
i miss An. (;_;) *shiku shiku*
kei forgets to write her name made this cake.

Friday, October 11, 2002 / 12:38 a.m.
after finishing Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger, my mindset is absolutely weird now. (^^; though i know i'm a stubborn person, it seems my manner is really easily swayed, i think... i keep seeing things like they're so beautiful now. everything is beautiful. LoL. depressingly beautiful. XDD i dunno, lately, i just take great delight in simple things and behaviors...

for example, like this morning, on the bus... i was watching this one person... it was really funny, the way people act on the bus. if they're awake and not occupied with something else, it's liek they don't know what to do. cos most of the people on the bus travel alone they rarely talk. and they don't know what to do with themselves, so they just let their eyes float around everywhere, anywhere... LoL. and sometimes, like me, they stare at other people, just kind of blankly, with no real intention, they just point their face in that direction... but when the person they watch notices that someone is watching them, the watcher would quickly turn away to avoid embarassment... and let their eyes wander out to the front of the bus, to seemingly watch the directiont hat the bus is going. i think i do this too. it's relaly funny. XDD

getting off a crowded bus is beautiful. the way people move out of the way when you say "excuse me" is beautiful. jaywalking is beautiful. the cold is beautiful. beind childish is beautiful.

i don't know what it is. there sin't naything particularily better in my life these days, i only just finished reading a book. these things affect me so much it's weird.

i could fall in love with a character like Zooey Glass. not in a romantic sense, it's a love of character... LoL. i think he wouldn't like me though. Salinger makes me laugh so much. i'm not even sure if i understand the book or not, but it was enjoyable.

the other day i got on the wrong bus and it took me to government centre instead of downtown. i walked all the way from 107th to 101 St. 101 fucking street. LoL. i don't know why i didn't just take the LRT downtown, i figured it was better to walk in the cold.


only kei talks made this cake.

September 29, 2002 / 11:45 p.m.
you know, it's hard to know what to think when you go over to a friend's and all you do is indecisively walk around the area for around 45 minutes wondering where you should go for lunch since everywhere is closed and then you end up just buying some stuff at safeway to bring back to your friends' house to cook, and only for yourself cos your malnutritioned friend complains about not being hungry and not eating anything at all.
when walking back to the friend's house, they mention that the earth is going to get hit by a meteor in 17 years anyways, and by then, they won't have any regrets upon dying, and you agree that by 30 you're pretty much worthless in this society anyways, but you can't help but think that you can hardly percieve the idea of dying and that you can't concieve how much it would hurt.

you cook the food uneasily and you're hungry as hell, but since you didn't want to bother your friend, who dissaproved of all the places you went to that was actually open, you hadn't said anything earlier and wish you had a little more spine then.

you then make the food and make your friend pick at it, while you generally worry about the $400 her mother is extortioning from her and the and the fact that she only has $40 a month for food.... and you wonder about the impulse buying she does inbetween and where the rest of the $160 she makes is going towards, other than food....

and the friend is goaded into eating a portion of your instant mashed potatoes which makes you feel a little better.

but then you both watch two movies on her sattellite TV which she clearly doesn't really need, and even though they are good movies, the fact that the friend hasn't really said anything to you when you know they're bothered and maybe they don't even want you there, makes you intterrupt with some lame commentary from time to time just ot make sure you're not alone in the room, other than with the fat cat on the floor that would be a million times cuter if he would only shrink a little in size, and you know, not attack you all the time.

then you listen to music. you don't really like what your friend puts on. and they don't realy like what you put on. and then you leave and pretend you had a wonderful time and say that you'll see each other tomorrow....

and then you go home and kill a bug on the desk and wonder if the trickles you sometimes feel down your back are actually bug ghosts that come back to haunt you.

you just don't know.

i wish she would say something from time to time. it's probably harder for her than i think, whatever it may be, but for my own selfish feeling of ease and self-worth, i wish she would tell me.

on a completely different note, i wonder if i should feel safe writing these type of things, especially here, since it's public, but no one really comes here anyways, after our long period of not writing anything in bellatorta. i'm afraid that one day i'll look back when these things aren't so important. and they'll seem cheesy by then. which is such a stab to my ego. LoL.

anyways, there is a new show in the art gallery i think, i saw flyers in the library. it's about digital something? anyone wanna go with me sometime?


holden-caulfield-talking kei made this cake.

September 21, 2002 / 12:25 a.m.
i was thinking i should write more in this but i forget. gotta make more emo entries. (^^; ah.. oh well.

things are still trying to be sorted out. i'm mainly doing fine.

work at that restaurant have been... i dunno, interesting. one of the biggest things that i notice now is how i percieve my age.... for example, at work.. the age gap just seems so incredibly large. (maybe cos some of the coworkers.. they reminds of... what's the word..? slu... sluts, yes, that it. LoL. but not all of them. some of them are just "mature".) even, krystina was telling me.. they were all saying "she looks so young..." and even when she would tell them "we're the same age" they would still insist that i am young. (^^; i guess i am.

but looking to the other side, i see people who are "my age" and are indeed, yes, sluts, but i feel like they are stupid and much less immature than me.. co in ways, i am more mature than others, like in the way i've tried to make little ventures into business and plan for the future and "make goals" and little things i do like travel a lot alone and how my judgement (though sadly stunted) is still much more thought out than a lot of people's... (X_X; and yeah, big thing, respect for others. i might be more mature there, thinking of the types of people i see, just in public places...

so who knows how that works out, eh? (X_X; i'm not really either or, and i guess that's okay. i've never liked to be categorized.

the other day i took out and old 1994 Veruca Salt CD out of the library. Veruca Salt.. i remember the band, but they were never really a part of my life at that age even though i liked the few songs i heard of theirs, so in a way it's not like they weren't in my life.. but it's weird how that is, isn't it? i never really got into them then, so i'm doing it now. it's not really a part of my late childhood, but it's like i'm still fishing back for it. it's the same with Ben Folds Five stuff. i don't know what it means. (^^; "reaching into my past" makes me feel old, but i'm not cos really, that was only a few years ago.

my time perception is so messed up. so is my depth perception, which is what i blame for failing to win a gameboy advance from japanese UFO catchers and not being able to draw that damned propeller. nevertheless, i'm doing well. XD i'm glad things are not bad yet.


time traveler kei made this cake.

September 11, 2002 / 08:22 p.m.
University has been really tiresome. But it's getting more and more interesting by the day. I'm glad that I'm getting slightly more engaged in the material than the other days... That's good, I guess, but I don't know how well I will do. I'm really scared about the actual turning in of assignments though. @_@; *ack*

I was bored about three weeks ago, and I drew this comic. I finally scanned it in. Other than this piece of crap, I haven't been producing anything that I'm proud of. I'm really in a slump right now. Can't even draw straight lines. I couldn't draw them before, but now they look even more unstraight. BLEH.

Been watching Abenobashi. It's a bit on the fan service side, but there are some amusing episodes. It's an interesting concept. I have all of the episodes, but haven't finished watching them all. I want to try to look for the manga, which I think is probably better than the Gainax version (which is amusing in it's own right). However, with the artist of the original being the guy who did Spirit of Wonder, I think that just has the Gainax version beat!!! It's not Gainax's greatest work though. Personally, I don't know very much about Evangelion (so I can't say I hate or like it), BUT, I would say the best, most legendary work is Top o Nerae (or Gunbuster). The first two tapes (episodes 1 - 4) of this OAV series, can seem average. However, the high point of the series, that makes it so legendary in my mind is the final tape. If you can like to watch old anime, please check it out. It is one of my most favorite anime ever. I cry every time I watch it.

Oh, right, if you want to see that comic...


I will eat your sugar windows saicoink made this cake.

September 5, 2002 / 10:33 p.m.
things lately have been beyond what i can describe. (X_X; at risk of sounding really "emo" which i am not really, it's just been.. something i can't describe. i feel really on my way despite all the troubles i've had to go to to get here.. things are on their way, finally, i can feel it. it's going to be a real big turning point in my freaking life, god i hope so, SO VERY MUCH.

my grammar.. has stopped making sense. i'm just.. bewildered. i'm not going to stop working hard this school year. i refuse to.

i need to review my resume again..

today i met an old friend and invited her to come people watching with me, possibly this weekend.. i haven't actually GONE people watching in a long time, it should be good. it's so damn fun. XD but when i think of it, i bet I am one of those weirdo people that other people watch.. i swear... like on the bus, when i fall asleep, i must look really weird. or when i fall asleep in class. i remember i used to watch people who fell asleep around the place. ther was once a guy who sat in front of me on the bus and his head kept jerking back suddenly at the movements of the bus and i started laughing cos i kept thinking that his head would just come off and fall into my lap. and there was this other woman who was leaning against the glass stand thing, and this lady bug was going around her afro hair.. it was kind of gross, but cute at the same time.. totally mesmerized me for the whole bus trip. of course, when she woke up and moved her head it flew away.... and then there was this other guy who was probably the most beautiful sleeper around.. like, he wasn't totally dazzling in terms of looks, but when he slept, it was just... he looked so at ease. it was like.. his best time. he'd sit so straight, but comfortably straight and his head never bobbed, and he'd wake up perfectly when it got to southgate.. it was perfect sleep routine, i swear. he never looked groggy when he woke up or anything, it was so funny to watch him...

so, people watching, i'm looking forward to it. and this year, i am looking forward to it.


elated keiko (who might have used a verb as an adjective) made this cake.

September 2, 2002 / 02:30 p.m.
Congratulations on the wonderful design Kei~! I wonder what I will contribute to the Bella Torta shared blog in the future. (^_^; I'm not sure. Maybe I'll make postings about art related stuff. *not sure* Either way, let's just post whenever we want to then.

It's true that I will be very busy this year. But I think Kei will be busy too. X_X; Thinking back about the year, this is the one year in which I've been the most productive artwise. But not everything I've done has been a product that I'm totally proud of.

I really liked what I did for Doujisoup this year, however I didn't like the story and thought that the characters talked to much. Shashinchou was decent, and I'm proud of my part. It's the cleanest work that I've done ina long time. However, truthfully, Kei's part leaves much to be desired. Anyway, I got Kei's permission to complete the rest of the story on my own, so I think that I will do so and drive the story in a different direction. Er, I hope that the originals were okay. I was so tired that I didn't put them in a very safe place. (^_^; Hikago doujinshi was fun to do, but my work was very ugly and the story was uncreative. I'm sorry for disappointing the other three people involved in the project. I had a lot of fun creating the Lareine doujinshi, but the manuscript was also very ugly and dirty. @_@; Geikou's was so clean. *doesnt' like what she did* The cover is a bit dark too. I feel like I messed up a lot of what I've done recently. X_X; Oh and let's not forget the BAAU Doujin which I felt I ROYALLY MESSED UP. Productive as I may me, the work I've done hasn't been of the best quality because I suck at drawing. X_X; But, I can't chastisize (sic) myself for my willingness to start projects and see them through to completion. Looking at how much I drew this year.... I drew almost 80 pages this year. X_X; If I can complete my Doujisoup entry this year the number will be near 100 pages. I've never drawn so much in my life. But the important question to myself is whether or not I improved during the year. I don't know. @_@; I suppose that's for my audience to judge.


air killing saico made this cake.

September 1, 2002 / 10:40 p.m.
yersh, so i think it works? just changing the blog layout for the new school year. (^^; saico, i hope you like it. it's hikaru~~ originally i wanted to use the picture that is on koyar's blog currently, but she beat me to it... (@_@; that's what i get for being slow.

this layout was made with lots of patience and newly learned CSS stylesheet knowledge.. but it isn't as advanced as joyar yet, cos all those transparent layers.. were done in photoshop... yeah. LoL. i think hikaru's colors are still a bit dark, and i should have changed that to make it easier to read, but i was too lazy to have to redo all the pictures so that it would work. (X3X;;; forgive me.

so from now on i think i will use this blog for rambling purposes.. i will use my personal blog for more "reporting my day" etc, seeing as i already do that... i like the shared blog. XDD

saico will be really busy this year so i don't know when she will wirte. (X_X; so, if it's alright, can i just write here whenever? i know we wanted to do like a cycle thing.. but yeah.. (X_X;;;;;;; i usually have a lot more ramble and time than you so....

school starts in two days for me. (X_X; i wonder if i will be able to get that cashier job... *hasn't seen christina vidiyuk yet.*


chinese-herbal-medicine-loathing kei made this cake.

September 1, 2002 / 10:36 p.m.
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keikeikeikeikei made this cake.